The second best part of my date last night was that I wore a pair of Karinna's capris.

And I looked super hot in them.

I do not believe in love at first sight.

But I don't know what the fuck is happening here.

I go to Copenhagen two weeks from tomorrow! I can't believe it's time to go already!

I love planning for vacations almost as much as taking them. I've had such fun shopping for winter clothes: a coat, and gloves, and boots, etc. My guide to Copenhagen hasn't arrived yet, but i'm just not going to worry about it.

I'm looking forward to seeing Kari, too, but in a much mellower way than last time, presumably because this time I've actually met him and I'm much less anxious about the whole thing. I know what im in for; I know what to expect. I look forward to sleeping a lot, and lounging by the fireplace, and drinking more than eating.

I think we'll end up spending a day in Sweden, and *maybe* a day in Germany but I'm not sure about that. We'll just have to see how it goes. No Tivoli this time of year but that's ok: I'm really just in it for the adventure and to see Kari again. Everything else is icing.

Today I realized that having tile floors means I have a built-in straight edge for which to use to line up these goddamned ruffles on this goddamned duvet cover.

Guess that means I'm out of excuses for not finishing this mofo.

Im actually not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I much prefer the day after Thanksgiving, because I still get to eat, but don't have to drive myself crazy with the tired.

Also, I get to put up my tree, make origami snowflakes, and watch Elf.

Also also, today I'm keeping myself company with this incredible bottle of wine. Easily the best wine I've ever had, but also the most expensive. Oh well.

It'll be a few weeks, looks like, before I'll actually start work at HP. This is actually quite perfect. I get to NOT go to work, but without all the worry of being unemployed. So I get to stay home and work on other stuff with the comfort of knowing there is more income incoming. Ha ha.

I have a wedding reception to go to tomorrow night. I found the perfect dress on clearance at White House Black Market for $70. I found sparkle shoes for $50. That's like the cheapest cocktail outfit ever. I am so excited to put on eyelashes and red lipstick and do my hair and strut around all beautiful tomorrow night.

I just wish I had a date. Kind of dampens the excitement to be all go-jiss with nobody to appreciate you.

I very much hope to have something to celebrate by the end of the week. That would be really great.

Emotionally, things continue to be a bit of a roller coaster. Some days all I want in the world is a man to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I hate myself for destroying my family. Some days I think I'm being selfish for leaving my husband. Some days I wonder if I made the wrong choices.

But most of the time I"m just bored. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have anyone to watch movies with. I don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of. I don't have anyone to rely on. I want to go shopping, and I want to travel, and I want someone to read my writing, and I want someone to make me dinner.

I also really want a job.

I'm working, and I have money. I got a great freelance thing going on with this guy I met on Craigslist, and I really like him (Not like that.) And I like this project. And it's tiding me over until I can land a "real job". But even when I'm working on his stuff, in the back of my mind I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time, if I should be applying to more jobs, if I should change careers, if I should be querying more agents, if I should be writing or rewriting.

I doubt myself all the time.

And yet, for the most part I'm staying positive. Kari's supposed to come here for Christmas, but every day that passes it gets more unlikely. He still says he's coming, and yet he has no ticket and no passport. What the fuck. I don't know if I should start dating other people. I don't know if I want to date other people. Part of me wants to. No, that's not entirely true. I don't want to date anyone. I want to skip the entire dating part and just have someone. Someone who looks at me with eyes that say You Are Amazing.

I had to put Love & War on hold for a while. Too many agents telling me the same thing: The idea is great. You're a terrific writer. But I don't know who I'd sell this manuscript to. That's frustrating. I always knew that marketability would be my greatest problem. But it's still frustrating. So I'm taking a break to work on something more commercial. But not much more. After all, it has an animal as the protagonist and narrator. And it's present tense. I can't write just normal stuff. I can't write like everyone else.

I'm just not everyone else.

I'm not really stressed about this. Not any of it. Worse case scenario is I publish this stuff myself. I just have to get the stories out of me. Exorcize these demons, as it were. I can't do anything else. This is what I was put on this earth to do.

How do you resist your destiny?

I want and I want and I want. And at the same time, I'm so afraid to want. I'm so afraid of getting my hopes dashed at every corner. I'm so afraid of taking steps in the wrong direction, but I'm also terrified of standing still. My last job made me self conscious. I don't trust myself. I don't trust others. I expect everyone is selling me out at every turn. I'm afraid to make friends. I"m afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of reaching out

Sometimes I can't even leave my house.

My best friend is a 13 year old girl.

In some ways I"m so fucked up, and everything is so fucked up, and sometimes I just want to GET OFF THIS CRAZY ROLLERCOASTER. I"m not suicidal. Nothing like that. But sometimes I just want to run the fuck away. Just run away. Just climb aboard a ship to Scandinavia with a pocketful of limes and hope for the best. Because the place in my life where I am now is fraught with difficulties. Loneliness. Responsibilities. First times. Self esteem issues. Doubt. Uncertainty. And so, so much fear.

Jesus I"ve babbled and rambled. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just that I don't have anyone to tell these things to and I don't want ot keep them bottled up. So I write them down. I don't know how else to go about sorting all of this out.

At some point, I'll have to make some very hard decisions. What am I going to do about Kari? What am I going to do about my novel? What am I going to do about my life in general? Where am I going? Who do I hope to be on the other side?

I'm abandoning the Livejournal. This is it folks. You can visit me at blog.loveandwartx.com

Oh yeah. You can also find me @ambersimmons on Twitter.

If you have a minute, please help me encourage Zachary, my 7 year old, to keep writing by leaving him a nice comment on his web story, "A Story About Godzilla"

Thank you!

http://www.godzilla7.wordpress.com


"There was once a small town called Littletown. It was quiet and peaceful. Then a guy came. He was huge and green. REALLY green."

Karinna is going to a boy-girl sleepover party. Hee.

There are only 15 kids in her class--which is the entire 5th grade. (Have I mentioned how much i heart her new school? I can't wait til we can afford to send Zachary, too.) So her classmate just invited the whole class to his slumber party. The girls will be upstairs with the 17 yo sister and the boys will sleep downstairs.

Sounds like a great time is going to be had by all.